


if i just let go, i'd be set free

by ActivelyWeird



Series: a terribly beautiful dream [4]
Category: SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asthma, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Medical Inaccuracies, Mother Hen Lee Taeyong, Protective Hyungs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActivelyWeird/pseuds/ActivelyWeird
Summary: Ten's asthma was something he had under control. He knew how to deal with ithimself. He doesn't need to tell his hyungs about it, it's fine.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Everyone
Series: a terribly beautiful dream [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928563
Comments: 12
Kudos: 164
Collections: WIP OLYMPICS: WINTER 2020/21





	if i just let go, i'd be set free

**Author's Note:**

> In case you're reading and wondering what this series is, it was formerly called "paying the price to be living legends." 
> 
> Do me a favor and look at the tags for a second. Do you see that medical inaccuracies tag? Yes? Okay, so the entire time you're reading this fic please remember the existence of that tag. I have my own health issues involving my lungs, which sparked this fic honestly, but I am not a medical professional. I did some research, but there is no guarantee for medical accuracy, this fic is based on experience/google.
> 
> With that being said, I hope you enjoy the fic!
> 
> Title is from [Heavy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmQ3QWpy1Q) by Linkin Park.

Ten’s asthma wasn’t exactly a secret, per se, just not something that was widely broadcasted. He liked to give the knowledge on a need-to-know basis since most people tended to overreact whenever he told them about it. 

Originally, it had just been Taeyong who had known due to his position as NCT’s leader and also the fact that Ten spent a lot of his time with him so it just made sense. Johnny was soon added to that list for the same reason. When he moved into the Dreamies dorm, Mark became the next one to know. Kun had been the last person Ten had directly told after he had seen Ten use his inhaler after a late-night vocal session. 

He hadn’t planned to tell the rest of WayV, but they all found out anyway. 

(Ten blamed Kun. When the group had been discussing getting pets, Kun had asked Ten if he could be around cats and dogs with his asthma before remembering that not everyone knew. Thankfully, everyone just took it into stride and didn’t overreact, and if it just meant he didn’t have to apologize for his coughing as much, then who was he to be upset?) 

But telling his SuperM hyungs had never really occurred to him. Even if he still had to deal with it occasionally, it was mostly just acute attacks that never really impacted him much. He still carried around his inhaler, plus he knew there was an emergency inhaler stowed somewhere in his practice bag if it was ever needed, so he had it under control. He didn’t need to tell other people about it, it just didn’t seem necessary.

However, no matter how much Ten asserted that he had everything under control, just like everyone else he had his bad days. The days where the air was cold and stale outside, making him have a coughing fit just from stepping out of the car. The days where one of his members or the staff would wear some exceptionally strong cologne or perfume, and he had to excuse himself more times than was probably proper just to be able to take a deep breath. 

Small attacks didn’t bother him much anymore. With WayV, it was easy to just say he needed to take a breather and be able to sit on the side of the room for a couple of minutes before going straight back into dancing. No one would ever say a thing. With the rest of NCT, Taeyong or Mark would often help cover for him, helping him make small excuses so he could just take a minute (or five) for himself. He could work through these small attacks. 

The big attacks, not so much.

He didn’t get big attacks often, even on the bad days. Usually, he could feel a small attack and could use his inhaler to help him deal with it before it became a problem. Since joining SM, he had only had four big attacks, and he liked to think that was a pretty good track record.

But it hadn’t just been one bad day this time, but something more akin to a bad week. Maybe even bad weeks if Ten was being honest. 

All of the SuperM members had moved into their shared dorm temporarily as they had to do some promotions together, and so it just made practical sense. It was fun, being with a group of friends he felt close enough to call family.

The dorms were cleaned regularly even when not in use, courtesy of SM, but these were more surface level cleanings than deep cleanings, which meant that as they opened more closets and cupboards, setting up rooms that had been barely used in the past few months, there was a ton of dust flying around. And randomly wearing a mask around the house without explanation would be weird, so Ten didn’t do that, but he couldn’t just leave everyone else to the cleaning (no matter how much Taeyong insisted he did) because that would look rude, so he endured the coughing fits that came along with all the dust. 

It would be fine once they cleaned the dorms, Ten reasoned. Once there would be no more heavy plumes of dust coming from, well, everywhere, it would make things much easier to manage. However, the disinfectants that Baekhyun had purchased to help with the cleaning just made things worse, the strong smell nearly bringing him to tears. 

Taeyong tried to help in earnest, but with his own reputation as someone who preferred things to be clean and orderly, it was hard to dissuade the usage of the disinfectants. But Ten just smiled tightly and said it was fine, he would be able to deal. After all, they would be finished cleaning today and with their air purifier running, things would be fine by tomorrow. 

They had to be better by tomorrow, Ten acquiesced mentally, since tomorrow they had to be in the recording studio. He could hear the slight wheezing in his own lungs, and just hoped it would get better by the next day. Just in case, he used his inhaler before sleeping (and maybe he kept his rescue inhaler close throughout the night, but no one needed to know.)

The next morning, however, things _weren't_ better. For some reason, Ten felt almost as if Louis had been lying on his chest all night, unable to get a full deep breath. He could still hear the light wheezing though, which concerned him but also reassured him he wasn't too deep into an attack yet. 

He made a mental note to use his inhaler after washing up, but before he could even pull some clothes out of his drawers the door to his room burst open. 

"Ten! Thank goodness you're awake," Baekhyun said frantically. "I know I said we're leaving at 8 today but the company just messaged me we have to leave in 10 minutes. Really sorry about this, but just get ready as quick as you can so we don't get in trouble with the managers."

Before Ten could even get a word in, Baekhyun was rushing off again. It didn't escape Ten's notice that he had been wearing pajama pants along with his dress shirt. He probably had been in the middle of getting ready and now had to wake up Lucas (arguably the deepest sleeper of them all). 

He quickly grabbed some clean clothes, hoping they looked matching, before quickly getting ready. Not wanting to waste time, he just threw both of his inhalers into his bag and made a note to use them later. He could deal with a little wheezing until a break. With less than seconds to spare, Ten made it to the car with everyone else. 

Ten still had no idea why they had been called in almost an hour earlier than scheduled, but it was quickly explained by one of the producers as they entered the recording studio. They had decided to change up some of the tracks that had already been recorded the previous week, and everyone grimaced simultaneously; redoing old tracks plus their new tracks meant they were definitely in for a late-night at the studio.

He made a plan to excuse himself to the bathroom at the first opportunity to use his inhalers, but before he could think more about it, one of the producers called him up to start recording first. It was difficult to reach his notes properly, especially without his inhaler, and he could tell the producer was getting frustrated. 

“Come on Ten, this is the second time we’ve officially done this, it shouldn’t be this hard. Just… try it again,” came the producer’s exasperated words. Ten apologized quickly before trying again. However, this time he couldn’t hold back the coughing fit. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lucas and Taeyong tensing up as he kept coughing, but they wouldn’t do anything unless it were a dire situation, Ten knew that.

Soon, but not soon enough, he was able to get his coughing under control. He turned again to apologize to the producer, but he was just waved off. “Go and drink some water or something, we can do your lines later.” Ten bowed his head in embarrassment as he walked towards where everyone else was sitting as Baekhyun was called up to do his lines instead. He never usually had any issues with his asthma to the point where he couldn’t even sing properly. 

“Ten, is everything okay? Are you feeling sick or something?” Taemin asked as Ten took a seat next to him. Taemin was peering at him with worried eyes, eyes full of concern as he took in Ten’s form as if to try and see if there was a physical problem that he could fix. 

“It’s nothing, Taemin-hyung, I’m fine. I think I just need to drink some water or something,” Ten said in what he hoped was a reassuring voice. Taemin didn’t seem to fully accept his answer but turned away to continue his conversation with Jongin. Ten took the opportunity to search through his bag for some water, knowing he had stashed a few bottles in his bag. 

However, just as he pulled one out victoriously, the sound of Baekhyun’s voice coming from the recording booth was cut off unexpectedly. Ten looked up in confusion, as did everyone else. Baekhyun exited the recording booth. “Hyung, is there something wrong with the mic or something?” Baekyun asked. “I can’t hear my voice at all.”

The producer groaned frustratedly. “I’m not sure, the equipment’s been acting up for the past week. It’s why we decided to redo some of the songs because they didn’t properly record. Now I think some of the wirings are faulty.” He sighed and addressed the room as a whole. “Sorry for dragging you in here so early, I didn’t expect this problem. Maybe today would be a good day for dance practice instead, I’ll see if I can get someone else in here with me who can help fix this equipment. “

Everyone bowed to the producer as they gathered their bags and headed towards the practice room instead. Ten wondered if he would be able to handle dance practice today; maybe it would be a good idea to just ask for a short break for a bit so he could take his inhaler beforehand.

But, on the other hand, he had already taken a break for two weeks for his knee recently and was already behind on learning the dance. No matter how many times Jongin and Taemin reassured Ten that he would quickly catch up, Ten knew he couldn’t do that if he was sitting on the side once again. 

So he decided that it would be fine. He would dance just like normal, pretend his breath wasn’t catching every three seconds, and it would be fine. He just hoped that Lucas, Mark, or Taeyong wouldn’t call him out for his behavior. Especially Taeyong, he tended to make the biggest deal about his asthma compared to everyone (not that it wasn’t appreciated, it was, it just was a bit _much_ at times). 

“So, we’re practicing the new stuff first,” Taemin explained as they all began stretching, “and then we’ll do some of the old stuff, just to make sure we’ve still got it. If it’s not too late, I guess we can just redo whatever seems to need the most work at the end.” Everyone voiced their agreement with this plan as they got into formation for their latest choreography. 

Ten liked this choreography if he was being honest; it placed focus on all the members at different times and looked dramatic and sleek to the audience. But now, he was just regretting how fast it was, his mind running a mile a minute to remember moves he had yet to perfect while trying to make sure he was breathing right the whole time. It was, needless to say, a difficult process.

Somehow he had been able to keep it up for almost an hour, though now he was really beginning to regret using his inhaler. He knew Taemin would be calling for a break soon, as he always did because he didn’t want anyone to overwork themselves, and he kept that thought at the front of his mind as he continued running through the motions. Thankfully, it seemed like even despite his absence earlier, he was finally beginning to catch up to everyone else’s level; he still didn’t have his usual grace yet, but he was willing to overlook that just this once.

But at some point, his chest kept tightening and it felt as though he couldn’t properly take in a deep breath of air anymore. He kept taking in short breaths, but it just felt as though he would never be able to catch his breath. Taemin, however, hadn’t called a break yet. It had been almost an hour and a half, and Ten was wondering if he would ever call one. 

For a second, he had hope as Taemin told everyone to stop for a moment, but instead, he just explained how maybe they could change up one of the moves slightly, demonstrating what he was thinking for the change. While Taemin was talking, Taeyong subtly shuffled over to Ten. 

“You doing okay?” he whispered, so quiet that Ten himself could barely hear him. Ten wasn’t sure what to say to him, because he couldn’t just say _'I think I am having a full-on asthma attack and I am pissed at Taemin for not calling a break because I just need my inhaler'_ but he knew if he said he was fine, that would be even more suspicious. 

“It’s getting a little difficult,” he said honestly, hoping to not worry the other too much. He didn’t really succeed if Taeyong’s furrowed brows were anything to go by, but just as Taeyong opened his mouth to say something else, Taemin clapped to bring them all back to formation.

Ten took the minute break for what it was, a small chance to catch his breath, even if it didn’t do anything. The new move actually seemed a bit simpler than the original, thankfully, so it didn’t take long for him to quickly get it down. However, on the next full run of the song, Ten realized that something was definitely wrong.

He needed his inhaler, and he needed it _now_. Without caring about the fact the song was still going or the fact that Taemin hadn’t called for a break, he searched through the pile of bags for his own. Taeyong, having realized what was going on, helped him search for the bag. Quickly, he found it and yanked the zip open, rooting through the contents for the inhaler. Within seconds, he was handing it off to Ten and helping Ten to sit down against a wall. 

Ten held up the inhaler, wishing he had his spacer but more desperate to get the medicine. He pressed the button once, waiting for a second before pressing the button a second time. While he was busy doing this, he didn’t even realize that the other members were all crowding around him and Taeyong in a loose resemblance of a circle. He could vaguely hear Mark asking if they needed to call 911, and he minutely shook his head. It would be fine, the medicine just needed the opportunity to work.

As his head began to clear and he could take semi-deep breaths, he looked up to see everyone peering at him in worry. Despite having reassured him, Mark was still holding his cell phone in his hand, as if ready to call someone at a moment’s notice. Baekhyun, Jongin, and Taemin all looked concerned, probably having no idea what was going on. Ten would find the energy to be upset that more people found out, but he was still trying to focus on his breathing.

The room was just filled with the sound of Ten’s quiet little gasps of breath as he slowly began getting it under control. It was Baekhyun who broke the relative silence.

“Ten, or Taeyong, or just… one of you please explain what is going on? Why is Ten having trouble breathing?” he demanded, his tone upset but everyone could still hear how worried he was.

Lucas, Mark, and Taeyong all looked between each other before Taeyong spoke up. “It’s asthma hyungs. Ten has asthma, it’s not usually this bad. I don’t know what caused him an attack, but I think it should be okay after he gets his breathing under control.”

“And all of you know?” Taemin asked incredulously. “How come Ten didn’t say anything to us?” he didn’t sound upset, mostly confused. To Taemin, it must’ve seemed like Ten was crazy to hide what was probably looking like he was hiding a huge health problem from everyone. 

“Well, I only know because Kun, one of the other members of WayV, accidentally told us,” Lucas admitted. “I think Ten-hyung didn’t even mean for anyone in WayV to know. He was just telling the few people who were around him a lot because it made sense they knew in case of an emergency or something I guess. As for why he didn’t tell you, I have no idea.”

Baekhyun, Taemin, and Jongin looked somewhat appeased at this explanation, probably happy that it wasn’t some sort of common knowledge that had only been kept from them.

“I mean, Ten-hyung probably figured that if the three of us knew anyway, it didn’t seem necessary to share with everyone. Plus, as Taeyong said, it’s usually not this bad. Like I had no idea until he told me because I never noticed it,” Mark explained further.

“How do you know Mark? I didn’t think you and Ten were that close,” Baekhyun wondered. 

“Before WayV, he and Lucas lived in the same dorm with all of us Dream members, so I think he told me just because I was like the pseudo-leader of Dream at the time or something. I still have no idea honestly, he just told me and then asked if I wanted to go for bubble tea,” Mark said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ten let out a raspy laugh at that, remembering the younger’s dumbfounded face the whole way to the bubble tea shop. Then he coughed a few times and decided that it was better to hold off on laughing for a bit.

“That sounds like classic Ten,” Taemin said jokingly. Turning serious once more, he addressed his next question to Taeyong and Ten. “Taeyong, since Ten can’t exactly talk properly right now and you seem to know the most about this, is there anything we can do to help?”

“Not really,” Taeyong admitted reluctantly. Taeyong liked being hands-on, working towards a solution for every problem, rather than just letting it idly sit by while he worried over it. “Normally, after two doses of the medication, he just has to focus on breathing for a bit. During our practices with NCT, we usually just let him sit to the side for a while, and then he rejoins when he’s ready. It’s really not that big of a deal usually, maybe today it’s just worse than usual,” Taeyong said, worrying his lip. 

“Any idea what could’ve caused it?” Jongin asked. “Like, I don’t know much about asthma but aren’t there usually certain things that can make it worse?” 

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah, and actually when we were cleaning the dorm I kept trying to convince him to stop helping because the dust makes him cough a lot but he wouldn’t listen. Same with the disinfectants, the strong ones make him cough. But he said that once we use the air purifier at night, it should help. And it usually does, well, it did at least. So something else might’ve caused it. Or maybe it was just too much buildup and he wasn’t doing anything about it.”

“He’s a dumbass,” Baekhyun said bluntly, “I can’t believe he _wanted_ to help clean. Like man, who wants to do that,” he joked, causing small smiles or laughs from everyone. “But seriously, if I had known I would’ve gotten different cleaners or done them only in small amounts at a time or something.” 

“It’s not your fault hyung,” Ten rasped. His voice sounded as though he had swallowed gravel, but he was quickly handed a water bottle by Taeyong. Taking a tiny sip to help his throat, he continued. “Seriously. If anything, I should’ve said something. But I made the decision not to share this, so, it’s not your fault.” He coughed a couple of times lightly, trying to clear his throat. Even if breathing was much easier now, he still wasn’t completely out of the woods yet.

“I mean, why don’t we just cut practice for today?” Taemin suggested, ever the rebellious maknae. “Just this once, and Ten can chill at the dorm instead of having to continue to dance.” He eyed Ten for a moment before continuing. “I don’t trust him for a minute when he says he’ll be fine to dance in a while, no matter what he says.”

“Hey,” Ten tried to protest weakly but Taemin wasn’t even wrong. Plus, it would be nice to head back early, maybe just relax and take a nap. Sleep honestly sounded great right now, even if he would have to sleep half propped up so his lungs could actually do their job.

“And Ten, seriously, this is the last time. No more secrets,” Jongin said sternly, though his wide grin was betraying him. “My old heart can’t take it,” he said dramatically.

Ten smiled cheekily but spoke seriously. “No more secrets,” he echoed.

After all, they were family.

Ten didn’t have to hide in this family.

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/activelyweird) | [Tumblr](https://activelyweird.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also, if you have any requests/ideas of what you'd like to see in this series, feel free to leave a comment, message me on Twitter/Tumblr, or send me an ask on [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/activelyweird)!


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